Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
