Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
