my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
