The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
