I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
