my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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