Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
