6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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