You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Randomize
