So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
