did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize