Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
