I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
