Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
