mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
