I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
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