How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
