I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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