Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
