when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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