i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
