I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
