My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
