I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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