Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We left an ass print on the piano.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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