I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
