Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Text me some of your sweat
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
