don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
