Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize