I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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