hell yes lets make some ravioli
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
