we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
