my mouth tastes like poor choices
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
