tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So many bounce houses so little time
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize