Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Randomize