some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
