i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
