My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
