This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
