I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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