New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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