Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
