Please, let me fuck your mom
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
