does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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