If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We got so high we made milksteak
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
