i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
