You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
