If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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