I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
