i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
