You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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