don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
