is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
