all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Randomize
