You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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