just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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