We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
