My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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