why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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